Maureen Halushak, A contributor to Flare magazine, interviewed me for an article in their April 13, 2013 issue. Her article explores whether sharing housework unequally (particularly in her own home) might lead to the breakdown of a (her) marriage. I was quoted in the article for my view that fights over household chores aren't likely to break up a marriage. I do think, though, that those types of fights, if they get bad enough, may indicate serious communication problems, which can be deadly to relationships.
None of the divorced and divorcing women and men who I've met in my practice have told me their relationship ended over an imbalance in housework. The division of housework comes up from time to time, but often in passing, and only as an example - a symptom - of larger problems. In my experience, most men and women at the end of relationships acknowledge that they shared chores fairly, or at least they shared them in a way that was acceptable until the relationship was beyond repair.
My "gut check" confirmed the anecdotes I was hearing: the "vacuuming gap" doesn't break up marriages.
Jennifer Senior might disagree with me. In her book, All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood, excerpted in the Wall Street Journal, Senior argues that the difference in how men and women spend their working hours - especially in the home - can lead to significant stress in a relationship. According to Senior's research, although mothers and fathers report that they work the same number of hours in a day, mothers spend more time doing household work than fathers. More importantly, mothers tend to do the type of household work that is more demanding, child care in particular (e.g. waking up in the middle of the night, managing children's schedules, waking children up and putting children to bed). This type of work, which can interrupt sleep, require more multi-tasking, and include time-sensitive, stress-inducing "pressure-points," can lead to increased stress for mothers. That's bad for families, and bad for relationships.
Senior also notes that mothers may be more stressed at home than fathers not just because they are doing the more stressful work, but also because they see themselves doing the more stressful work, compared to their partners. When both parents are at home, they inevitably observe what the other is doing. Senior writes:
"It's hard to overstate how stressful these perceived imbalances can be. At one point, the UCLA researchers took saliva samples from most of the subjects of their study to measure levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. They found that while leisure time went a long way toward relaxing fathers, it did far less to subdue anxiety in mothers. So what, you may ask, did calm the mothers?
Simple: Seeing their husbands make a bigger effort to reduce the pandemonium in the house."
I think that Senior's interpretation of that study is an oversimplification, but it makes a crucial point: it isn't enough to be fair; we also have to appear to be fair. It can be easy to underestimate, if not forget entirely, how important it is to show the person you're in a relationship with how hard you're working. This is especially true in long-term relationships with settled roles. But if the conflict in your relationship is a major source of stress, whether during a relationship or after separation, you may want to consider whether the real problem is more about perception - a failure to demonstrate (or sometimes, just a failure to explain) what you are going through - than actual unfairness.
None of the divorced and divorcing women and men who I've met in my practice have told me their relationship ended over an imbalance in housework. The division of housework comes up from time to time, but often in passing, and only as an example - a symptom - of larger problems. In my experience, most men and women at the end of relationships acknowledge that they shared chores fairly, or at least they shared them in a way that was acceptable until the relationship was beyond repair.
My "gut check" confirmed the anecdotes I was hearing: the "vacuuming gap" doesn't break up marriages.
Jennifer Senior might disagree with me. In her book, All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood, excerpted in the Wall Street Journal, Senior argues that the difference in how men and women spend their working hours - especially in the home - can lead to significant stress in a relationship. According to Senior's research, although mothers and fathers report that they work the same number of hours in a day, mothers spend more time doing household work than fathers. More importantly, mothers tend to do the type of household work that is more demanding, child care in particular (e.g. waking up in the middle of the night, managing children's schedules, waking children up and putting children to bed). This type of work, which can interrupt sleep, require more multi-tasking, and include time-sensitive, stress-inducing "pressure-points," can lead to increased stress for mothers. That's bad for families, and bad for relationships.
Senior also notes that mothers may be more stressed at home than fathers not just because they are doing the more stressful work, but also because they see themselves doing the more stressful work, compared to their partners. When both parents are at home, they inevitably observe what the other is doing. Senior writes:
"It's hard to overstate how stressful these perceived imbalances can be. At one point, the UCLA researchers took saliva samples from most of the subjects of their study to measure levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. They found that while leisure time went a long way toward relaxing fathers, it did far less to subdue anxiety in mothers. So what, you may ask, did calm the mothers?
Simple: Seeing their husbands make a bigger effort to reduce the pandemonium in the house."
I think that Senior's interpretation of that study is an oversimplification, but it makes a crucial point: it isn't enough to be fair; we also have to appear to be fair. It can be easy to underestimate, if not forget entirely, how important it is to show the person you're in a relationship with how hard you're working. This is especially true in long-term relationships with settled roles. But if the conflict in your relationship is a major source of stress, whether during a relationship or after separation, you may want to consider whether the real problem is more about perception - a failure to demonstrate (or sometimes, just a failure to explain) what you are going through - than actual unfairness.