In the early days of my career, I thought of divorce as traumatic.
At the time, I worked at a law firm that specialized in high-conflict parenting cases. In my first year of family law, I was exposed to families torn apart by domestic violence, mental illness, parents estranged from their children, kidnapping, child abuse (including sexual abuse), false allegations of child abuse (including sexual abuse), and the fallout of an attempted murder. I was convinced: nearly all of the separated and separating people I met were wounded by their separation, if not outright traumatized by it. And so were their children.
I also wasn't shy about sharing my view that divorce is traumatizing. In that first year, I ran into an old friend at our mutual friend's wedding.
I'm a divorce lawyer, now.
Oh! My parents are divorced!
I'm sorry to hear that.
Don't be! If they weren't divorced, I wouldn't have been born.
My friend's parents were both divorced, but never from each other. In fact, they were still happily married to each other, but they were very unhappily married before they met. They each suffered in their dismal marriages, and not only did those relationships hurt them, but it also hurt their families. One of those marriages led to a total estrangement from one side of the family.
Neither of my friend's parents had children from their first marriages, and so after a few miserable years, they got divorces. Before long, they met, fell in love, and married each other. By starting a new relationship and bringing children into their family, they were not only able to heal themselves, but also their relationships with the entire extended family. Divorce, my friend explained, saved her family.
Over the years, I have helped some clients who were traumatized by their separations, and some clients who were appreciative of them. I have seen many people, armed with better self-awareness and communication skills, find new, healthier love after leaving their first marriage. Divorce, like marriage, is not a one-size-fits-all life event.
These days, when someone tells me they are separated or divorced, optimism comes up naturally, even if I usually save it until after my reasonably cautious intro. "That can be hard," I say, "but it's often for the best. Let me tell you a story..."
At the time, I worked at a law firm that specialized in high-conflict parenting cases. In my first year of family law, I was exposed to families torn apart by domestic violence, mental illness, parents estranged from their children, kidnapping, child abuse (including sexual abuse), false allegations of child abuse (including sexual abuse), and the fallout of an attempted murder. I was convinced: nearly all of the separated and separating people I met were wounded by their separation, if not outright traumatized by it. And so were their children.
I also wasn't shy about sharing my view that divorce is traumatizing. In that first year, I ran into an old friend at our mutual friend's wedding.
I'm a divorce lawyer, now.
Oh! My parents are divorced!
I'm sorry to hear that.
Don't be! If they weren't divorced, I wouldn't have been born.
My friend's parents were both divorced, but never from each other. In fact, they were still happily married to each other, but they were very unhappily married before they met. They each suffered in their dismal marriages, and not only did those relationships hurt them, but it also hurt their families. One of those marriages led to a total estrangement from one side of the family.
Neither of my friend's parents had children from their first marriages, and so after a few miserable years, they got divorces. Before long, they met, fell in love, and married each other. By starting a new relationship and bringing children into their family, they were not only able to heal themselves, but also their relationships with the entire extended family. Divorce, my friend explained, saved her family.
Over the years, I have helped some clients who were traumatized by their separations, and some clients who were appreciative of them. I have seen many people, armed with better self-awareness and communication skills, find new, healthier love after leaving their first marriage. Divorce, like marriage, is not a one-size-fits-all life event.
These days, when someone tells me they are separated or divorced, optimism comes up naturally, even if I usually save it until after my reasonably cautious intro. "That can be hard," I say, "but it's often for the best. Let me tell you a story..."